terminoligy

"THE COWBOY'S"

GUIDE TO REAL ESTATE TERMINOLOGY

For those of you who have attended my seminars and know of me, I have provided the following real estate terminology so you can better understand some of the terms I have used.




	AGENT A courageous individual who believes his family can be supported by his selling a home which no one can afford to own. ASSUMPTION Someone who assumes they can take over someone else's payments. BROKER A person licensed by the State to act on your behalf and for other people in real estate transactions and ends up having less money than the people he is representing; therefore, he is broker. Also. BROKE is a temporary situation - POOR is a state of mind. BUYER One who seeks the help of a realtor with the following convictions; with no money nor any avenue for same; won't think of putting the Mother Lode on the chopping block; definitely wants the Taj Mahal on a caveman's budget; and who further will elaborate in specifics for a home that can only be custom built and who in the end buys something totally different and uses another realtor. One who always tells people they got it for less and sold it for more, when we know the opposite is true. All Sellers are liars to Buyers. See Seller. CONVENTIONAL LOAN See shoveling sand or spitting into the wind

CO-SIGNER

That wonderful fool you have convinced that under no circumstances would there be any risk while foreclosure proceedings are being processed against his home.

DOWN PAYMENT

A mythical sum of money used to purchase a home. Nonexistent. All the books in the world tell you zero money down. $1.99 for the next hundred years or nothing now but payments for life.

DRIVEWAY

A paved area of your lawn where only the finest bluegrass and no crabgrass grows and which is a perfect hiding place for your offspring's toys.

HILLSIDE RANCH

A one-story home with a lawn, where the buffalo and antelope roam to keep the lawn trimmed, since this is the only way the lawn can be maintained.

OHM

An Englishman's 'ouse

PARQUET FLOOR

What your butter dish says to you each time you take it out of the refrigerator.

CREAM PUFF

As used in real estate advertising, the home which is decorated extensively, and when you enter, you must watch where you step.

YARD

This is the hell on earth that all homeowners have been destined for. To weed, slave, cater to, go broke over, to take away previously enjoyed weekends, and keep the blister doctors and chiropractors in business if not made and packaged by them.

SELLER

Whose typical "handyman's special" is listed at least 25% above the market, and who will take no less than all cash and pay no financing points. Belongs to the dinosaur age. When he finally sells the property for 35% below what he originally listed his home for, he will tell his neighbors he got 50% more than what it actually sold for.

All Buyers are liars to Sellers. See Buyers.

BALLOON

Much to the owner's dispair, not air but dollars are due when opened.

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COSMETIC When the buyer viewing the home smells the cabbage being cooked in the kitchen instead of odors in the rugs from Fido the dog or Felix the cat or, Picture frame covering cannonball hole in the wall from 1812, or, Throw rug from small ink bottle stain, "4X4" on the wooden floor, or, Bubble gum in Dike to save Holland. CORRIDOR (Corry-a-dor) - "The Cowboy's" territory where one must be escorted to be protected from the highwaymen. REALTOR Someone trying to cope with reality, a subject not taught when acquiring the tools of the real estate trade. ESCROW Money put aside for the local lottery with hopes settlement may take place. MORTGAGE BROKER To get you the least (amount of money) for the most (amount of points and closing costs). SETTLEMENT ATTORNEY or ESCROW COMPANY The referee dedicated to putting together all of the above definitions and still leaving you totally at ease (confused). SETTLEMENT DATE The promised land not reached until 40 years later.